Can't stop me from having a good day on a bad day

Actually there is no meaning behind the title, cos I'm having a bad day today. Actually, I'm having a bad day every time I see you and him. Actually I'm giving you so many hints that maybe if you look into my eyes for long enough you'll see. Actually love is nothing if you can't see it with your eyes and can't hold it in your heart. But I won't believe all that rubbish.

I should just give up and die, really.

Anyway, that isn't important. I DON'T WANT TO BE JUST ANOTHER GIRL. I don't.

And it's killing me.

Can't tell me nothing now, I'm gonna touch the sky

So I'm feeling a little better today. So you've heard. I'm sick and tired of writing lyrical posts but I can't stop won't stop trying not to stop not stopping. I'm in dire mental straits now, and I have every idea what to do.

I'M GOING TO JOIN THE COMMONWEALTH ESSAY COMPETITION. AGREED CHOPPED STAMPED GUARANTEED. I'm going to join that competition if it's the last thing I do. I swear.

I'm holding on your rope got me ten feet off the ground, and it's so hard to let go. I can't. I won't. My hands clinging on so hard so hard so hard, but it feels like you're throwing me away. Can't you see? You're my lifeline. And I'm almost fully dependent on you. But wait, there's a catch.

I'm not all that flimsy. I can do what I want, when I want. My body is mechanic, but my heart isn't. And every day I see you together is every day I tear myself apart.

But you can't see that can you?

So, what do you want from me?

Some of them want to use you, some of them want to get used by you.

I'm falling apart, leave me here forever in the dark.

I need you so much yet I'm only transparent to you. How is that fair to me? It's killing my inside y'know, tearing my soul to shreds and to watch you go off like that is like Hell. It is worse than Hell. Worse.

You don't know how much I want to cry. Right here right now. My veins are open, and the blades are rusty. It is soooo tempting to do stupid things right now, but it is so hard. So hard

so hard

I can see you starting to break. As much as I know you hate it or you most probably don't even know, I can see you starting to break. I can see him starting to break, to go off to others. And then you'll come running here.

I may act like I don't want you don't need you get the fuck away from me but really I can't it's killing me killing me killing me softly silently hatefully. I am not a recycling bin. I am not a toy. I am not something you use once and forget about. I am most definitely not something you use once and throw away. I am not a fucking condom I don't understand why everyone treats me like one.

I love you I hate you I really can't stand your guts to do this to me even though it's plain as day I'm trying so hard.

Can't you see?

I've got a ticket to the end of the rainbow

If I could ask God just one question, WHY AREN'T YOU HERE WITH ME?

I want you here with me right here right now. So much, So so much,

I love you Mrs Mabel Yee you're the most awesome teacher in the whole wide universseeeeee. (:

If I'm so happy today, because I got to see your sweet sweet smile, whi am I so forlorn, so tired, so gone now?

One thing: I miss you.

Something in your eyes, something in your smile

Is there anyone out there cos it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

I feeel seriously oppressed. So much homework!!! It's like I've got a truckload of homework every day without fail, and tests tests tests every week. The education system here is definitely stretching us to the max, but they also have to understand that even the best quality rubber bands do BREAK. I'm almost there, my body is totally breaking down ttm.

And they say that when you feel tired you are really extremely tired already. How true.

Well head's up for feeling tired every day! School's fun but you know, it CAN get a little tiring sometimes what with all the homework and tests and the works. Just a little. And guess what?

I HAVE TO STAY BACK EVERY SINGLE DAY THIS WEEK.

FML.

Too much candy gonna ride your soul.

If she loves you let her go, oh love's gonna get you down.

Angelica and Kennard and Lennon are making my days filled with much laughter. Amusing. But I'm a little traumatised by Angelica. Cos when I'm sitting with her I cannot stop giggling. CANNOT. Amazing.

Absolutely outstanding.

Sorry for short posts, I'm like blogging every day so I can't really think about what to say. OMGOSH IT RHYMES.

I love love and cigarettes.

The friends you tried to make away with have died.

I think maybe it's time

to think about the weather

All the things we shared before

All the times we spent together

Skewer my hopes for no tomorrow

Selectively poison my mind when

I try to sew my eyes closed

Needle meet thread

Thread meet needle

shake hands

I'll go to bed to night

and sleep into a dreamless dream

I'm dreading tomorrow

Mummy I have a paper cut

Slit myself up on the pages of the black book

that tells me where, when and why I'd die

My blood flows through the mighty river

crevices of paper that makes my bones run

dry.

When I said we I meant me.

I think the most retarded thing now is that while someone that I haven't been taking seriously all this while, I've not been taking myself seriously when I say that I LOVE HIM. Very much yes. Dammit where is all the sense going in this world?

I LIKE HIM I LIKE HIM I LIKE HIM I LOVE HIM.

I feel so strange! It's like something like a betrayal. But why is it that somewhere in this heart, buried under the folds and folds of drama is a small wisp of hope and a small hope of likeness, small small small but still there and barely discernable.

But it's still there, and still alive.

Very very much alive. And beating. Every day I see him and it just falls into place, everything. Everything.

Everything.